My North Star

This post was supposed to be different than it is. It was supposed to be an ode to my tribe. As I enter my birthday month, I wanted to pen a post of appreciation. To the people who uplift me each and every single day. To my husband who sees me hiding under the covers cajoling me to meet the new day. To my children who inspire me by the way they see the world of promise, hope and opportunity. To my parents who drive to Cambridge at the drop of a hat to spend a few hours with me. To my brother who finds time to talk me through my issues, however small, while his kids are hanging on his leg. To my dear friends who come out to a Cambridge wine bar to celebrate my latest accomplishment at a moment’s notice or to the one who whisks me away to her tropical escape. To my old and new friends who love me through all the different versions of myself, sitting and crying with me in my darkest moments and dancing with me through my happiest ones. I am blessed.

And while all of the above is deeply true, as I muddle through this period of transition to my truth this year of the fire horse, I’ve been feeling quite untethered, ungrounded, unmoored as of late. I have been feeling adrift, without a navigation system, directionless. As I have been trying to find my bearings, right my ship, steer the course to some semblance of normalcy, it was after a conversation with a dear friend last night that reminded me of what I have seemed to have forgotten. My north star: my self.

For those of us who seek validation externally because that was what you were taught or what you learned to survive, it is only through years of reflection and therapy that I know deep down that it can only go so far. Just read the first paragraph above, again. While I know how incredibly blessed and lucky I am, all of what I describe above is outside of myself. It’s validation of what I mean to others and how deeply I am loved. It’s an affirmation of how I exist in other people’s minds and opinions. It’s a slippery slope when you seek external validation because the moment that safe, secure and loving feeling fades, you’re left seeking it again. And again. And again. Like a drug. But it’s a bottomless pit that will never be filled.

Until you recognize that is what you are seeking. Confirmation from the outside world that you are ok, you are safe, you are loved and wanted, you are whole. You are seeking externally that which should be a knowing internally and a trusting of yourself that you are in fact OK, safe, loved, wanted and whole by yourself. That you are in fact enough. As I muddle through this period, I am proud of myself for quickly realizing that this is what I am going through, again. And recognizing that I now have the tools and understanding to get through this.

So what does this all mean? It means returning to who I am. Returning home, to myself. To loving myself fully and wholeheartedly. To accepting myself, flaws and all. To being kind to myself. To minimizing my inner critic. To empowering myself. To doing things that I love to do, for me. To reminding myself of who I am, each and every single day. This morning, I laced up my shoes, blasted some ‘90s hip hop, and ran towards my north star, feeling more anchored as I ran home to myself. While my tribe is my light, I am finding my own, steady ground, slowly but surely. And boy is there great relief in that!