The Phones We Love Too Much

I'm Day 5 into my Facebook diet and it feels similar to a food diet. The first day was really hard. Every time I opened my browser (I had deleted the Facebook app on my phone to curb use but that didn't help much), I wanted to refresh Facebook. I thought many times during the day "just this once" and "nobody will ever know" but I'm trying to keep my word to my readers and to my blog, so I didn't cheat. But boy did I want that "chocolate chip cookie"! Day 2 was a little better. I thought about checking my Facebook News Feed about half the amount of times that I had on Day 1. I wondered what I was missing out on, whose birthday I was forgetting and whether anybody was feeling my absence. On Day 3, I started visiting new sites that I had never really done on a regular basis like The Boston Globe and other blogs like Cup of Jo other than my usual New York Times fix. And whenever I felt the urge to look at Facebook, I turned to People.com instead. Trolling celebrities' lives, while not the same, satiated that urge to know what is going on in someone's life.  I know it sounds pathetic.  Day 4 was easier as I found myself letting go and not so preoccupied.  I wasn't turning to my phone in the same way that I had been when I was checking Facebook constantly. So today, Day 5, is much like Day 4. I am still nostalgic about Facebook, but I am no longer feeling the anxiety that I was feeling before the diet.  I find myself having time now to think about other things  and caring less about what XYZ person from high school (who didn't even like me back then) is doing with their time.  I'm losing the "weight" that compelled me to go on this Facebook diet in the first place.

One of the reasons I forced myself to quit Facebook for a while is because I felt addicted to my phone. Ironically enough, the other day I stumbled across this article called "The Phones We Love Too Much".  I read with extreme interest. There is a professor at UConn that founded a Center for Internet and Smartphone Addiction. The motto for this Center is to "plug back into life."  Need I say more?

Technology and the use of technology is one of the biggest sources of tension in our household. Both my husband and I have demanding jobs where we are expected to respond quickly to client and colleague emails. I've done my research and read the negative effects of cell-phone use generally and especially in front of loved ones including children and how such use makes children (and apparently spouses) feel inadequate, unimportant and anxious. So I've tried to put in place times in our house where technology is not to be used including while eating, especially at the dinner table, and on the weekends (unless to respond to friends' texts to coordinate plans for the day/evening). While I feel that technology has taken over our lives and impacted them in ways that we are just beginning to understand, Kishore feels that there really is no problem at all. He only sees the benefit of being able to come home to spend time with our children despite the demanding job. I say that we are not truly "present" with our kids when we are on our devices.... and so the argument continues.

What I am learning with this Facebook diet and that was reaffirmed with this NY Times article is that I was overusing tech and quite dependent on it and that this overuse and dependence were a sign of overcompensation for other things such as fear of being alone with my own thoughts, loneliness, boredom and feelings of inadequacy. Cutting off access to something so addictive like Facebook is helping me see what might be amiss in my own life. With this self-imposed Facebook hiatus, I hope that instead of loving my phone too much, I can spend quality time with and show and express my love for the real people in my life.

On a Facebook Diet

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I know many feel this way and that I am not alone. There has been much that has been written and studied about the negative effects of social media- everything from how many friends are the optimal number to enhance happiness to how smartphone use by parents can negatively impact their children. We know that the data is out there but there is something so addictive about Facebook (N.B. Facebook addiction has also been studied). I can't stop refreshing my News Feed. It's like a nervous tick. And the more that I focus on not doing it, the more I want to.

My husband, Kishore, is not on Facebook and I envy him. Yesterday, he was looking over my shoulder as I refreshed for the hundredth time. I then showed him a picture of somebody at which point he started to look at my News Feed. Watching him read my News Feed was like watching somebody go to Times Square for the first time. He was overwhelmed with all the information. And I was overwhelmed watching him. He was able to look at my screen for only 10 seconds at which point he handed my phone back to me and said "TMI!"

There are three reasons I hate Facebook. The first is that it is potentially damaging to my self-esteem. I start comparing myself to everybody's news feeds and wondering why I'm not as happy as this person, why I'm not as skinny or pretty as that person or why somebody's children always look so  coordinated and relaxed. And then I have to talk myself down from the precipice of unhappiness after recognizing for the umpteenth time that what I am watching is everybody's best self. People are only posting those pictures in which they look the best, their children are complying or they are doing interesting things. They are not posting their disappointments, failures, missteps, frustrations, aggravations and if they do, they are usually met with silence or judgment. The second is because I use it as my babysitter. Yes, you read that right. When I am bored, have a spare moment (standing in the grocery line or on the T), I click my News Feed and start reading. I don't know what I am looking for, but I am looking. I click articles, memes, photographs mindlessly. And then afterwards, if you were to ask me what I just looked at, I would probably give you a blank stare. Checking Facebook has become a gross habit of which I am ashamed. And lastly, this past presidential election highlighted to me the dangers of social media and the "filter bubble". Over 2 billion people use Facebook now, about 1.2 billion of them daily according to The New YorkTimes.  According to this New York Times article, a team of researchers at M.I.T. and Harvard found that social media created a "right-wing echo chamber" and that people were using social media to create "self-reinforcing bubbles of confirmatory ideas, to the detriment of civility and a shared factual basis from which to make collective, democratic decisions." The problem is that of the "News Feed"- a curated, personal news feed for each user. The News Feed that you are presented with every time you open Facebook has been sorted and prioritized for you by a series of algorithms based on what you have liked or whose page you have visited in the past. If you are only seeing those news articles and items that you agree with it, it surely creates that "echo chamber" that distorts your reality. And it potentially creates an alternate universe in which untruths and fallacies become mainstream "facts."

When I start feeling anxious, nervous and unfocused, when I'm constantly revisiting the site thinking that something will change in the second that I haven't been on and when I start to feel ungrounded, unconfident, and dazed, I know it's time for me to take a break from Facebook. Crazily enough, these are all tell-tale signs of addiction. Hmmm....

My major beef with giving up Facebook is FOMO or the "fear of missing out." It seems like we are the FOMO generation. Those of us who grew up without the technology and then were suddenly gifted with its presence 15-20 years ago now suffer from serious FOMO. Now that FB has become a socially accepted way for people to share important personal news (marriages, babies, pregnancies, retirements, special birthdays, etc.), the fear of missing out is great. And it's not even just with major life milestones, but also with keeping up with my real friends' lives. Many of my dear friends do not live in Boston, so a way that I am able to still feel part of their lives is to see their photos immediately and to respond by "liking" said picture. Staying connected and feeling part of something larger is definitely a benefit of FB.

Benefits aside, I need to start feeling good about my interactions with Facebook. So I am going to go on a FB diet starting tomorrow. Until then, you can find me hitting that refresh button (and promoting this blog post). Now the real question will be how to promote my next few posts without Facebook and whether I'd be cheating if I ask my friends to do it?!

Take Your Baby to Work? Absolutely Not!

ast night I read an opinion piece in The New York Times called "Take your baby to work".  The opinion was written by Sarita James, CEO of Embark, a college admissions software company. After having her third child, Ms. James decided to return to the office when her newborn, Uma, was six weeks old. Here's the catch. She returned to her work at Embark with her child in tow. Ms. James then goes on to discuss the virtues of having an "office baby" around (analogizing the baby to an "office dog"), how the presence of a baby changed even the most reserved employee and how she was able to spend time with her daughter while still being able to work. She discusses that her daughter enjoyed being in a sling and how "baby carrying has been shown to reduce crying and fussing", how she overcame her self-consciousness "and fed her under a nursing cover", and how she would walk around the waiting area when her baby became fussy.

This article pissed me off.

While Ms. Jones acknowledges her privilege ("Of course, I’m a chief executive; I’m answerable to my board but didn’t have a manager to tell me no"), she is hopeful that other managers "will follow her example." In my humble opinion, this is a bunch of hogwash. Instead of using her powerful voice to advocate for women and men to have more, unfettered paid time-off with their newborns, or encouraging employers to provide flexible work arrangements that help parents achieve more of a work/life balance, this woman is telling others to bring their babies to work! NO! What message is she sending to her female employees? That instead of taking advantage of the company's paid leave policy for new mothers, she expects them to come back to the office with their children earlier than expected?

At least she acknowledges that this type of situation would only work for those who are not "a cook, a doctor, a bus driver or a welder". But the rest of her proposal is oozing with unapologetic privilege. She makes flip comments that this model could work for others if their employers agree. As if it were that easy. For those who are not in the C-suite of their companies, getting an employer to agree IS the battle. It's not easy walking into an HR office and asking for a benefit especially when you are towards the bottom of the totem pole. We have laws in place like the Family Medical Leave Act precisely to protect those vulnerable workers against their almighty employers.

I remember being a junior associate at a large law firm, eighteen weeks pregnant with my son. I was told by the more seasoned female attorneys to keep my pregnancy under cover for as long as possible because my work would start to dry up as people would not want me on their deals. This was 2009. Thankfully I worked in a practice area balanced with female partners, an anomaly at a large law firm, and my pregnancy was met with support and excitement. But in corporate environments where even the mention of pregnancy can send partners in search of your single, younger male counterparts or threaten the time and dedication you already invested in your career, the thought of asking to bring my weeks-old baby to the office while I work is beyond preposterous.

She then talks about an interaction she had with her client who remarked about how pleased she was with the session and about the good behavior of her daughter. What would have happened if her daughter were screaming and crying the whole time? What would have happened if she had colic? When does bringing a baby into the workplace create a true distraction? This particular situation worked for Ms. James because her child was quiet, accommodating and well-behaved, but she cannot peddle this as a solution for others because every child, situation and work environment is completely different.

I was lucky and fortunate to take advantage of the generous maternal leave policy offered by my firm. I was able to spend 6 months at home with my son (4 months of which were paid). I cannot even imagine what I would have done if I had to go back to work after the federally-protected 12-weeks of unpaid leave. But, parents, especially women, are having to do it ALL the time, in all sorts of jobs, all over the country. They are having to make the tough choice of going back to work to less than accommodating environments (sometimes paying exorbitant childcare costs) or staying at home.

There have been so many articles that have been written about America's dismal parental leave policies compared to other countries. According to a Pew research study published in September 2016, the U.S. is the only country among 41 nations that does not mandate any paid leave for new parents. What does that say about our culture?

In a time when new parents, especially mothers, are struggling to create a work/life balance that is fair, respectful, decent and empowering, I think that advocating for solutions such as those proposed by Ms. James completely miss the mark. It's nice to think that bringing your baby to work for the baby's first few months will be met with open arms, but what happens after the baby "graduates" from this program? How does the workplace accommodate the parents then? We need to focus our attention on making parental leave policies universal along with offering new parents flexible work arrangements that suit different lifestyles. It is after achieving these crucial milestones that we will be able to truly appreciate a baby in the workplace. Until then, keep your baby at home.

Achieving R&R After Returning Home

We came back from our beach vacation on Friday night. After a harrowing day of travel that started at 6AM, multiple delays, we finally made it home before the clock struck midnight. By the time I got the kids to bed, it felt like the only R&R that remained of our Cancun rendezvous was the golden tan that I had acquired.  Thankfully, we had the weekend to recuperate from our vacation and I couldn't be more grateful for this time.  While we were readying for our return trip back on Friday morning, Kishore and I kept remarking how we should have stayed another day. However, come Saturday morning, I was happy we had a few days to settle back into our lives and meet the grind of work and school head on come Monday morning.

On Saturday morning, we slept in and the hour time difference to Cancun worked in our favor; the kids woke up at 9:30AM!  I made my way downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee and started reading the New York Times. We started getting the weekend paper again a month ago mostly because we wanted the kids to understand what "reading the news" meant, the cyclical nature of the news and that the world was larger than just the small microcosm that they see on a daily basis. We also wanted them to understand the physical manifestation of what we meant when we are reading the news on our smartphones before such a notion becomes obsolete. Also, as Kabir becomes a stronger reader, we wanted him to start exploring and taking sections of the newspaper that he found interesting. Funnily enough, Navya immediately claimed the Travel section mostly because it has the best pictures. She usually just asks us to read the captions under the pictures, but it's a good sign that we are talking about different parts of the world.

We had no plans for the day. No activities for the kids. No birthday parties. No social commitments. It was a day that we could do whatever we wanted. It felt like a continuation of our vacation, just at home and not in Cancun. So I read. I read the whole newspaper cover to cover. And boy did I enjoy it. I read about the TV-adaption of Margaret Atwood's A Handmaid's Tale. I read about how an author found love in Spain and the impact that such love had on the rest of his life. I read about the French elections. I read.

We had three meals together as a family, two of them more nutritious than the highly-caloric resort food we had been consuming all week. We laughed, talked about our vacation as if it were a distant memory and started planning our next one.  By the end of the day, the R&R that I had nursed during the week came back. I was no longer dreading going back to work on Monday, but in fact, looking forward to it. Mostly, to earn my next vacation of R&R.